It's funny, in a way, how the trials of life catch you off guard. They say things happen when you least expect it. Not sure if I agree. Sometimes, you are totally expecting it. Like with parenthood. You have heard it's hard, and you are expecting it to be hard. So when it IS hard, it really is no surprise. The surprise, is how it is hard, and sometimes, how hard it is. So i don't think that trials happen when you least expect them because they happen whether you expect them or not. I am beginning to think, however, that they happen HOW you least expect them. Eitherway, expectations are futile.
Speaking of expecations and parenthood, we are still expecting. Due date is still set as March 1st. Per my appointment on the 14th, I was already 50% effaced and over 2 cm dilated. But that's the same place I was with Jason 11 days before he arrived. So I don't think I'll go past my due date, but i don't think it's coming "any minute" necessarily. It's already been 6 days since the appt and my Braxton's have calmed down the past few days, so I'm guessing this kiddo will probably come some time between the 25th and 28th.
Other than that guestimate above, I haven't really thought much about his impending arrival. Dustin and I haven't found a name that we both love yet. Lots of names we're both okay with, or names that one of us loves and the other isn't crazy about. But everytime we try and research and discuss names, I feel like we don't get anywhere, so i decided I wouldn't spend any more time worrying about it or trying to figure it out. Just take the books and our lists to the hospital and figure it out once we see him.
And I think its precisely that attitude that has led to my current trial, which is, the realization that I'm not necessarily excited for this baby to come. Realizing that makes me feel horrible. Awful, almost. I'm not bummed he's coming, or sad bout it at all, but I"m not anxious and excited. not like I was with jason.
Logically, it makes sense. The first kid changes everything. Quitting my full time job and getting to be a stay at home mother. Having to take birthing classes and read books and learn all I can about how to be a parent. Not knowing what to expect at all. having all these baby showers and counting down the days. Day dreaming about all the possibilities. The pending arrival of our first child seemed to consume our thoughts. Now, with this second one, things don't feel so urgent. No birthing classes or pregnancy books to read - I've done this before. No baby gear to buy, no need for a shower since its another boy. I'm too busy keeping up with the house, my callings, and my 2 year old son, to think too much about this other son inside of me. It's doesn't seem like as big a deal. Which is what makes me feel like a horrible mother.
I feel like I'm doing him some big disservice by not being more focused on his arrival. It doesn't feel right to feel so non-chalant about it all. Maybe it just hasn't really hit home yet; there is the possibility I haven't let it sink in that I really am going to have another little life joining our family and home. I mean the clothes are washed, the hospital has been toured, arrangements have been made for watching Jason, batteries are on hand for the mobile, the swing, etc. I've done what I can to be ready, but I don't feel ready. I don't feel anything, really.
In short, I've gone through the motions to get ready for baby #2, but it doesn't feel like I've gone through the emotions to get ready for him. When is that supposed to happen? Is it like this for most people with subsequent chilren? Or is something wrong with me?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Blue's Clues
I thought I'd try and blog about how much my son Jason is in love with "Blue's Clues." If you aren't familiar with this kid's show, here's the basic run-down: Real-life Steve has a cartoon puppy named Blue, and every episode they play "Blue's Clues" to figure out what Blue wants to do, eat, play, etc. Blue leaves a blue paw-print on three different items, to indicate that its a clue. Throughout the show, they find a clue, draw that item in Steve's handy-dandy notebook, and when we have all three clues, Steve sits down in the thinking chair and we figure out what those three clues are trying to tell us.
Well, Jason found a little notebook, which is now his Handy Dandy Notebook. "Ti-ee Ti-ee Wotebook!" as he proudly calls it. He has a few thinking chairs ("pinking chairs") that he has claimed both at his house, and at Grandma and Grandpa's. He loves to sit down and pretend to draw. It usually begins with "Okay, so..." and usually ends with a request for Mommy to help him draw a cactus, choo-choo, pawprint, Steve, puppy, the gym, whatever he comes up with at the time. Here is a picture of him drawing himself some clues.
However, he doesn't just make up his own clues. He finds them all over the place. I am amazed at where he finds things shaped like a pawprint. We'll be out and about at the store, and all of a sudden he is pointing excitedly and proclaiming at the top of his lungs, "A Clue! A Clue!" It sometimes takes me a minute to realize what he is referring to, but sure enough, there is something resembling a paw print (i.e. a big circle with 3+ smaller circles above it) that he has found. His perspective and observation amaze me. If you are looking for paw print clues, you can find them just about anywhere (the dirty spot stains on my unmopped kitchen floor, the bubble formations in the bath, the actual underside of a dog's foot, etc.) It's made me wonder how true this is of things other than pawprints. such as blessings. How many blessings are in my life, waiting to be discovered, but I don't notice them, because I'm not looking for them? Needless to say, my two year old has taught me that it's pretty hard to find what you aren't looking for, and with the right perspective, a whole world opens up.
Anyway, here are some pictures of different clues he has found that have amazed me. Note the backs of the frogs in his bedtime story, the chicken shaped head on my fast food cup, and the blue information on the paper box. Can you spot the clues as well as Jason did?
Well, Jason found a little notebook, which is now his Handy Dandy Notebook. "Ti-ee Ti-ee Wotebook!" as he proudly calls it. He has a few thinking chairs ("pinking chairs") that he has claimed both at his house, and at Grandma and Grandpa's. He loves to sit down and pretend to draw. It usually begins with "Okay, so..." and usually ends with a request for Mommy to help him draw a cactus, choo-choo, pawprint, Steve, puppy, the gym, whatever he comes up with at the time. Here is a picture of him drawing himself some clues.
However, he doesn't just make up his own clues. He finds them all over the place. I am amazed at where he finds things shaped like a pawprint. We'll be out and about at the store, and all of a sudden he is pointing excitedly and proclaiming at the top of his lungs, "A Clue! A Clue!" It sometimes takes me a minute to realize what he is referring to, but sure enough, there is something resembling a paw print (i.e. a big circle with 3+ smaller circles above it) that he has found. His perspective and observation amaze me. If you are looking for paw print clues, you can find them just about anywhere (the dirty spot stains on my unmopped kitchen floor, the bubble formations in the bath, the actual underside of a dog's foot, etc.) It's made me wonder how true this is of things other than pawprints. such as blessings. How many blessings are in my life, waiting to be discovered, but I don't notice them, because I'm not looking for them? Needless to say, my two year old has taught me that it's pretty hard to find what you aren't looking for, and with the right perspective, a whole world opens up.Anyway, here are some pictures of different clues he has found that have amazed me. Note the backs of the frogs in his bedtime story, the chicken shaped head on my fast food cup, and the blue information on the paper box. Can you spot the clues as well as Jason did?
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