It's funny, in a way, how the trials of life catch you off guard. They say things happen when you least expect it. Not sure if I agree. Sometimes, you are totally expecting it. Like with parenthood. You have heard it's hard, and you are expecting it to be hard. So when it IS hard, it really is no surprise. The surprise, is how it is hard, and sometimes, how hard it is. So i don't think that trials happen when you least expect them because they happen whether you expect them or not. I am beginning to think, however, that they happen HOW you least expect them. Eitherway, expectations are futile.
Speaking of expecations and parenthood, we are still expecting. Due date is still set as March 1st. Per my appointment on the 14th, I was already 50% effaced and over 2 cm dilated. But that's the same place I was with Jason 11 days before he arrived. So I don't think I'll go past my due date, but i don't think it's coming "any minute" necessarily. It's already been 6 days since the appt and my Braxton's have calmed down the past few days, so I'm guessing this kiddo will probably come some time between the 25th and 28th.
Other than that guestimate above, I haven't really thought much about his impending arrival. Dustin and I haven't found a name that we both love yet. Lots of names we're both okay with, or names that one of us loves and the other isn't crazy about. But everytime we try and research and discuss names, I feel like we don't get anywhere, so i decided I wouldn't spend any more time worrying about it or trying to figure it out. Just take the books and our lists to the hospital and figure it out once we see him.
And I think its precisely that attitude that has led to my current trial, which is, the realization that I'm not necessarily excited for this baby to come. Realizing that makes me feel horrible. Awful, almost. I'm not bummed he's coming, or sad bout it at all, but I"m not anxious and excited. not like I was with jason.
Logically, it makes sense. The first kid changes everything. Quitting my full time job and getting to be a stay at home mother. Having to take birthing classes and read books and learn all I can about how to be a parent. Not knowing what to expect at all. having all these baby showers and counting down the days. Day dreaming about all the possibilities. The pending arrival of our first child seemed to consume our thoughts. Now, with this second one, things don't feel so urgent. No birthing classes or pregnancy books to read - I've done this before. No baby gear to buy, no need for a shower since its another boy. I'm too busy keeping up with the house, my callings, and my 2 year old son, to think too much about this other son inside of me. It's doesn't seem like as big a deal. Which is what makes me feel like a horrible mother.
I feel like I'm doing him some big disservice by not being more focused on his arrival. It doesn't feel right to feel so non-chalant about it all. Maybe it just hasn't really hit home yet; there is the possibility I haven't let it sink in that I really am going to have another little life joining our family and home. I mean the clothes are washed, the hospital has been toured, arrangements have been made for watching Jason, batteries are on hand for the mobile, the swing, etc. I've done what I can to be ready, but I don't feel ready. I don't feel anything, really.
In short, I've gone through the motions to get ready for baby #2, but it doesn't feel like I've gone through the emotions to get ready for him. When is that supposed to happen? Is it like this for most people with subsequent chilren? Or is something wrong with me?
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Hey it's totally normal. At least it was for me. It made me cry feeling like I didn't really love the 2nd like I did the first, since I wasn't as excited. I was busy and it didn't seem that different having another boy, but I experienced a little miracle, because the instant he was placed in my arms ALL of those feelings were replaced with joy and love in such abundance that if it weren't for my journal I don't think I would even remember my fears. Number 2 is a delight. Watching brothers grow up together is more fun than I could imagine. Have fun!!!
ReplyDeleteITS TOTALLY NORMAL! I fretted about not feeling much for A LONG TIME! IN fact, I felt like having another would mean less time for Lexi... I really did feel bad or selfish almost because we were bringing another baby into the family. I didn't know how it would affect the child I ALREADY had. With number two, I knew how to be a mom, but didn't know how to be a mom to someone who wasn't lexi. When Jax came... He was this bruised red slimmy little man and I learned how to be a mommy and the instant love that comes with it instantly (again). Hang in there, go easy on yourself... Everything will come in time... and just know that you are not alone in your feelings!
ReplyDeleteComing from your favorite aunt here...Amen to both of those comments... it truly is like they say 'multiplying not dividing'... I mean, we worry we won't be able to divide our love and time for each of them, but when they arrive, our love is MULTIPLIED not DIVIDED. You are absolutely normal in your feelings/non-feelings. Can't wait to hear about your delivery and what name you choose. Get all the rest you can NOW... I am wishing I could have bottled some up from before and drink it down now! Love ya' WhitWhit!!
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way with Avonlea. I never felt that I would after hearing my stepmothers' story of her frettering away abut the birth of her second and how she thought she couldn't love the next as much as the first. I never gave it a second thought... until I was creeping upon teh precipise at the end of my third trimester.
ReplyDeleteI would rock Jonathan to sleep at nights crying and crying because I was upsetting his world. I did want another baby and was initially over-joyed to being getting one not even two years after the first, but now that it was happening, I couldn't console myself to think it was right. Even after she was born, the nurses told me how incredibly beautiful she was and I would ask them "Really?" because I simply couldn't see it. I didn't feel anything for her. Hollow when I would look at her. I felt like a terrible person an awful mother. But I asked to stay an extra day in the hospital to spend just a bit more time with her alone, to see if I'd feel something, ANYTHING. The second night just as I picked her up to hold her to see if I could connect with her, she smiled the tiniest smile at me, then snuggled in to sleep next to my arm. I felt a glimmer of... something. Hope? I don't know. But it gave me courage that things would get better sometime. Sometime soon. And they did. They ARE. I adore my amazing second child. I can remember how it felt with just one child, but the thought of not having her with us is too much for me to bear. I KNOW she's here to better our family, to better ME. her spirit is with us because she WANTS to be here and *I* want her here as well. Things do get better, even when it feels like we're terrible people for not loving those souls who've been sent to our care.
You can do this. You're amazing and you've already brought one sweet boy into the world. With God, anything is possible. We just have to allow ourselves to be shaped in His hands. Hang in there! Love you!
It's so different for everyone but everyone ends up happy with that sweet little baby. When I was barely pregnant with our first, I was so excited. The excitement wore off as time went on and I realized what I was getting myself into. After I gave birth, I held him but only because I was expected to. Over the next couple days in the hospital, I was in denial, I didn't hold him unless I was feeding him and I didn't change a single diaper. My husband left me for just an hour one day to go home and shower, and I nearly lost it. I was completely terrified to go home and have to take care of this baby. But, in time, it all worked out and I found that I did love him.
ReplyDeleteThe second time around, I was excited to have a girl, soooo excited. But when it got close, I was once again terrified. I didn't know how I would handle having two kids and I was scared to death that I would go insane at the hospital again. This time it was better. It helped that I knew what I was doing and it wasn't as big of an adjustment. And I loved her pretty soon after birth.
With the third baby, I was a little scared but I had a little more faith going into it. I delivered him natural and when it was all over, I held that baby and hugged him over and over. Before I had him, I was crazy getting ready for the baby and for Christmas. I didn't think much about him and I was not excited at all.
With each child, by the time the end of the pregnancy rolled around, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I told people I was excited because I didn't want to look bad but deep down inside, I was scared, and I didn't want another baby. And every time, with time, it all worked out. Now with three kids, I don't love any one of them more than the other (although there are some days I like one more than the other) and I watch for the good things that happen. I try to focus on the times when I am a good mom and I help my kids and play with them. And it is wonderful. Give yourself the time you need to get adjusted to life with two kids and don't worry about the excitement or lack of, just take it one day at a time and it will all come together. Good luck Whitney! You are amazing.